How Conflict Avoidance Affects Relationships
Do you avoid hard conversations even when something is really bothering you? If you find yourself overthinking texts, rehearsing conversations, or staying quiet to avoid upsetting others, you may be struggling with conflict avoidance. While it can feel protective in the short term, avoiding conflict often comes at the cost of authenticity, connection, and self-trust.
What is conflict avoidance?
Conflict avoidance can look like a relationship where little to no conflict ever occurs. And at first glance, that sounds like a good thing. But sometimes, the absence of conflict doesn't mean everything is okay. Many people feel stressed by the idea of conflict because it can feel scary or overwhelming, or as though the relationship might end. Often people have a history of conflict ending badly: A fight, a relationship ending, family conflict, or larger traumatic events. As a result of these past experiences many people struggle with initiating or engaging in conflict because of their individual fears These fears can stem from a variety of reasons, however, they often have similar presentations. Typically, conflict avoidance occurs when you push your frustrations, worries, needs, or wants down so as to “not make a big deal.” Sometimes this can be beneficial as not every worry, fear, need, or want can be met. However, over the long term and with few exceptions, this can lead to patterns of conflict avoidance that create cracks in relationships and friendships.
You may be asking yourself how this creates cracks. You’re easy going, and you never cause fights or create trouble for friends, family, or partners. Well, that right there can be the problem. Strong relationships require intimacy and are built on a foundation of trust and safety. To increase intimacy, there must be vulnerability; opening yourself up to risk and trusting that your friend, partner, or family member will be there for you. One of the most vulnerable things we can do as humans is to go to someone and say, “Hey, this is my need” or “Hey, that upset me.” This opens us up emotionally. The risk is that the person may not be able to meet us in that same way and the friendship or relationship may end. However, the risk of not engaging in the vulnerability of conflict is that relationships often remain at surface level and feel disconnected, while the person who is withholding often feels frustrated, resentful, or angry over time.
I often tell clients that difficult situations are great opportunities. Conflict is one of those opportunities. Conflict is the ultimate proving ground for a relationship and when handled well, it can enhance intimacy and connection. Think of a relationship like a bridge; it may look strong and sturdy, but if it is never tested then we don’t know how much pressure or weight that bridge can hold without collapsing. When small conflicts and disagreements occur and are repaired within the relationship, then it is like continuing to make improvements and repairs to the bridge. That way, when the hurricane, tornado, or flash flood occurs, the bridge has been reinforced and rooted in place so it can weather the storm.
So, if conflict (handled with care) can increase intimacy, trust, and connection, then the opposite can also be assumed; avoiding conflict in relationships can decrease intimacy, trust, and connection. Again, I must reiterate that for conflict to enhance relationships it must be handled with care. If you go to your partner and start dumping years of anger, frustration, or resentment with insults then it most likely will not enhance the relationship. There is a balance to conflict that often means learning how to communicate your needs and wants in ways to enhance relationships and build strong connections. A reframe that I love practicing with clients is this: Rather than feeling as though we will burden someone with our frustration, hurt feelings, or discontent, we can think of it as an opportunity to allow our partner, friend, or family member to give us a gift. When someone helps us meet our needs, we teach them how to love and care for us, and it can enhance the satisfaction we feel in our own relationships. Now, we don’t go to someone and force them to give us a gift or tell them, “Give me this gift or else.” When we want something, we ask for it, and our partner has the opportunity to give it to us. However, if we are avoiding conflict, we are missing an opportunity to grow closer and increase satisfaction within our close connections.
How Therapy Helps
Some may have lived with this avoidance pattern for so long that treating conflict like an opportunity sounds as scary as jumping out of a plane with no parachute. This is where therapy can come in. Not everyone needs to be in a dire crisis to go to therapy. Sometimes it can be as simple as wanting to learn to communicate better with friends, family, partners, or colleagues. Therapy can be an opportunity to practice these skills in a safe way with someone who can help you and cheer for you along the way. If you’re located in Texas (including locally in the Bryan/College Station area), I invite you to reach out. You can schedule a consultation or contact me to see if we’d be a good fit.
